polyadvice:

I am a mono guy and was talking with a former poly gf about how jealous I would get, thinking about her being together, intimately, with another guy. It really bothered me. I was saying how I need to find a way to deal with it. She said that at the root of my issue is that I view her as “property”. I disagreed. I wanted her to be able to do what she wanted to do and with whomever, but it still drove me crazy. Was I viewing her as property? And do mono guys have the most problem with this?

It can be really aggravating when someone tries to tell you what you’re thinking and feeling, so know that I am present to that frustration. If you genuinely believe that your struggles with her polyamory don’t stem from you seeing her as “property,” well, ultimately you’re the expert on what’s going on inside your own head.

That said, there is a lot to be said for how capitalist and patriarchal ideas worm their way into our minds and hearts and senses of self. Our culture has long liked to treat relationships as economic transactions. You can see it in our language- a simple example like “you’re mine” and “I’m yours” being used as statements of love. There is an underlying assumption of “possession” in many relationships, and what do you “possess?” Well, property.

So, some people who practice polyamory, non-monogamy, or relationship anarchy do a lot of work to uncover, understand, and challenge some ideas they’ve just absorbed through their culture. Your ex may have been trying to let you know that some of your actions and behaviors seem, to her, to have been informed by these ideas, and to encourage you to interrogate some of your assumptions about relationships and possession and how they work. That she did so by making the annoying mistake of presuming to speak for your internal perspective doesn’t mean it’s not worth examining this.

As for your question about whether mono guys have the most issue with this, I don’t know if there’s been any research on that, specifically, but it is true that our culture sends very specific messages to men about “possessing” their partners. That doesn’t mean all monogamous men see their partners as property, just that a monogamous man may be more susceptible to that kind of thinking, even in subtle or unconscious ways.

Here are some readings, if you’re interested!

• Is polyamory revolutionary?
  
• For lovers and fighters
• Practicing polyamory while healing from capitalism’s wounds
• Poly Economics: Class, capitalism and polyamory

Of course, you may just be oriented monogamously, and your inability to feel okay in a polyamorous relationship isn’t an issue of philosophy but rather just of who you are. That’s okay too! If talking to your ex is bringing up feelings of guilt and judgment, you’re under no obligation to keep talking to her.

If someone points out something about you that makes you feel challenged and threatened, sometimes the right call is to try and make space to hear and understand what they’re saying and then examine and work on the dark places in yourself that they shined a light on. Other times, the right call is to decide that they don’t speak for you, and their truth is not your truth, and the healthiest thing is to reject their description of you. It can be really, really hard to tell the difference, and mistakes in that area can be pretty consequential, so it’s okay to be struggling with this. 

vava-chan-take-over-the-world:

polylove-girls-blog:

This has always been an interesting question, because the answer can be so different depending on who you ask.

The easiest answer is: “Well, it’s up to the individuals in the relationship! Depending on X/Y/Z, it can look like anything - all that really matters is that it’s consensual, ethical, and everyone is happy with the relationship boundaries.”

While that answer is true, it doesn’t do a lot to explain the basic shapes and configuration for people who are new, or curious about polyamory.

Let’s look at a few! :)

The ‘Loving Triad’ and Non-Triadic Vee

Arguably, two of the most typical/most represented shapes of polyamorous relationships. Although they may seem really similar in the sense they have three people, the dynamics of the relationship are quite different.

First, the ‘Loving Triad’ is a three-way relationship in which the members have (generally) a strong emotional, sexual, an/or romantic relationship with each other. Triads tend to live together as a egalitarian family, sharing roles and responsibilities.

In the non-triadic Vee, one person (Payton, in the above example) has two different partners, but those partners (generally) have no intimate relationship with one another - although friendship isn’t out of the ordinary! This style is called a poly-Y if four people are involved with only one hinge.

The triad, and non-triadic Vee/Y are very common for first time polyamorous people, because with certain boundaries and rules it can look like (and act like) something similar to monogamy with three people. 

The Polyamorous Pairs - Primaries, Secondaries, Ect.

Sometimes called ‘The Plural Poly Pairs’, or ‘Poly Porcupines’. These relationships tend to resemble the stereotypical 60′s and 70′s ‘open marriage’/’free love’ style. 

This type generally starts with a committed, often married (but, not always) couple who have relationships outside their primary pairing with full honesty and support of each other.

The degree of freedom (sexual, emotional, romantic, fluid-bounding with secondaries) and what specific information about the secondary relationship is shared with the primary relationship varies with each relationship. 

The ‘GORK’/ Polyamorous Circle

The polyamorous circle can be thought as a small, intentional, consensual community. 

Generally, each person brings something to the relationship to help benefit all and tasks/work/responsibilities of the family is distributed equally. Most polyamorous-circle relationships are poly-fidelius, but if new member were to join it would have to be a group decision. 

Usually - sexual, romantic, and/or a emotional relationship is shared between all members.

The Polyamorous Network/Polycule

A polycule is an expansive network os sexual, emotional and/or romantic relationships the result from the branching out of open polyamorous relationships.

These types of relationships generally contain multiple non-triadic Vee’s, Y’s, and poly pairs. It is one of the most flexible and amorphous of polyamorous lovestyles, and it is (generally) always changing and expanding. 

Usually, because of the expansive nature, most of these polyamorous networks do not live under the same roof (and sometimes, not even in the same geographic area!). Some members may have platonic relationships with other members, while others choose not to associate with other branches. 

The Polyamorous Snake/Poly-S

The polyamorous-S is a sort of poly-chain like relationship the resembles an extension of the poly Vee or Y, and is similar to the poly circles.

In this type of poly relationship, only certain people are bonded with others (but, not everyone together) which creates a chain. If there are only 4 or 5 people in the relationship, it’s usually called a poly Y/N or W.

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I hope this helps shed some light on what polyamory can look like, in the most basic of shapes/arrangements!

Question: What does your relationship currently look like? What would you want it to look like?

Pictures and some material from “What Does Polyamory Look Like? Polydiverse Patterns of Loving and Living in Modern Polyamorous Relationships” by Dr. Mim Chapman.

@moki-art you might find this interesting