there’s not really much discussion of child neglect on here so i guess i have to do it
p l e a s e don’t shame neglect survivors for not knowing “basic” things like how to eat a balanced diet, when to go to the doctor, how to drive, etc. you know these things (usually) because a caring adult taught them to you. we didn’t have that. we often enter adulthood knowing jack shit about how to take care of ourselves. we know we’re missing information, and we feel so fucking lost.
it’s okay to, if you have a friend who’s experienced neglect, try and help them learn how to take care of themselves. saying things like “hey, do you think you could try to eat at least one vegetable per day?” or “that infection looks pretty bad, do you want to go to a doctor?” is genuinely helpful. but belittling us for not already knowing these things is completely unproductive and unnecessarily cruel.
don’t be a dick to survivors.
all-women-kick-ass: What is the "friend" trauma/abuse response? Never heard of that one before.
Fight is when the adrenaline surge helps you kick the shit out of whatever is threatening you. In an “animal attack” sense, it means beating up a wolf or whatever. In a modern interpersonal sense, it tends to mean “screaming at your boss until you get fired.” That said, even a confrontation as simple as saying “no” to an abuser is a type of fight response. Anything where you set and defend boundaries is fighting, in this context.
Flight is when the adrenaline surge helps you run away. Whether this means outrunning a wolf, or finding an excuse to leave the room and lock yourself in the bathroom where your angry parent can’t reach you.
Freeze is when you become immobilized by fear. If you’ve ever been so scared that your entire body locked up and you couldn’t even scream, that’s the freeze response. In an animal context, many predators have movement-prioritizing sight, and may overlook you if you seem like just another pattern of light through trees. In an interpersonal context, freeze tends not to be overly useful, though some abusers will stop attacking someone who doesn’t fight back. In either case, if a confrontation gets physical, highly contracted muscles are harder to hit, and provide some degree of pain reduction.
Flop is the opposite of freeze. Rather than overwhelming muscle contraction holding you still, it involves overwhelming muscle relaxation. Fainting, playing dead, etc are all “flop” responses. The stereotype of urinating due to fear is because of involuntary muscle relaxation, and is also a flop response.
Friend is actually one of the first things human beings learn to do when faced with a threat. It’s the thing babies tend to do when they scream for an adult to help them. It involves trying to get the attacker “on your side,” whether by using baby talk and some treats at that wolf, or agreeing with everything your aggressive partner says in the hopes of satisfying them and getting them to leave you alone. Begging for mercy, becoming extremely submissive and agreeable, laughing at everything your abuser says is if it is brilliant and hilarious rather than a real threat, complimenting them, doing everything they say. These are “friend” behaviours.
Because “friend” is the first thing we as human beings learn, and because we are such social creatures who rely on befriending each other constantly, it is most people’s go to response to human-centered fear. Our brains are built from day one to see compromise and collective action as the “right” solutions to problems.
This, unfortunately, also makes it very, very, very easy for abusers to train their victims into being extremely obedient, and into doing things that the victims would not normally do.
The prevalence of this kind of fear response is why cults operate the way they operate. It’s why people in abusive situations are rarely able to leave them until they get outside impetus. It’s why people love shitheel cops who can and would kill them without a second glance. It’s why brown nosers and teachers’ pets exist.
Human beings are built to make friends, so much so that we rely on that skill in most confrontations.
And that makes us easily exploited by anyone who doesn’t see us are friends, but rather, as fodder.
i appreciate what rose mcgowan has done in bringing down weinstein and raising awareness, but the fact that y’all are using that to excuse her transphobia is a joke
“[Trans women] assume because they felt like a woman on the inside. That’s not developing as a woman. That’s not growing as a woman, that’s not living in this world as a woman, and a lot of the stuff I hear trans complaining about, yeah, welcome to the world.” - Rose McGowan
that’s fucking heinous. when she was confronted by a trans woman about her statements, Rose McGowan accused of not doing anything for women before going on a rant about being attacked for her vagina.
also, hey, remember when Rose McGowan worked with convicted pedophile and child pornographer Victor Salva and, when confronted, said this: “I still don’t really understand the whole story or history there, and I’d rather not, because it’s not really my business. But he’s an incredibly sweet and gentle man.”
Rose McGowan appears to me to be someone trying desperately to be famous for being activist, but is confused and angered that she can’t spew hate about one group of people whilst trying to publicly defend another. I get the distinct impression that she wasn’t expecting the outpouring of abuse stories which followed hers which has stolen her limelight and shone a brighter light on her troublesome beliefs. For me it was the attempt to steal attention from #meto onto #rosearmy which took the biscuit.
and don’t forget how she literally tried to attack alyssa milano for being a part of the MeToo movement, saying her support and experiences weren’t genuine and calling her a “lie.”
I’m not defending McGowan, but I feel like it’s important to point out that Andi Dier (the trans woman who called her out) has plenty of her own issues
here are some receipts. MAJOR tw for these.
Again, I’m not defending McGowan. I’m just adding this because it’s not very well known and I’m tired of seeing this predator praised as some kind of trans icon.
You know you’ve really been through some shit when you’re constantly more worried about how someone will react to you presenting an issue you have with them than you are about the thing that upset you in the first place
Didn’t expect this post to be relevant to so many people, damn
Hi this is a symptom of abuse and its so shitty to deal with
Okay, but I’m being 1,000% serious now. Survivors and victims don’t give a fuck if their abuser changed. They really don’t care. It does not change what the abuser did. No matter what you think, survivors and victims are still allowed to hate their abusers, whether or not the abuser has “changed”. Even if the abuser has mental illnesses.
Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.
Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.
Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.
Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.
I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.
Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.
But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.
ok I’ve seen the word gaslighting used completely insensitively and incorrectly, and I really wanted to remind everyone that gaslighting is a term used for a specific kind of abusive tactic where the abuser continually and purposefully makes you doubt your perception of reality, in order to make you doubt what happened to you actually happened, and ultimately doubt your sanity. for example, hitting you and then continuously saying they never hit you and you must have imagined it. not someone disagreeing with you, not someone saying your opinion is wrong - that’s an argument. can we please not water down important abuse terminology
all-women-kick-ass: What is the "friend" trauma/abuse response? Never heard of that one before.
